Saturday, March 10, 2018

For This Purpose

Purpose in Pain

I am very hesitant to share this post, because, well, it makes me incredibly vulnerable. I'd much prefer to share cute pictures of my kids on Facebook and Instagram than air my dirty laundry. However, if these words can help or encourage even one person, then it's worth it.

I've written several posts about my struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm going to be honest. Lately I've been mad about it. I would even go as far as to describe myself as bitter. Really what it boils down to is that I'm weary. I'm tired of dealing with the same scars and fighting the same demons.

Yet here I am.

What frustrates me the most about my depression is how people speak of it. I'm not talking about the stigma of this disorder. I'm talking about how people lump it in with poor choices. I don't doubt that depression can be the result of sin, but when people start talking like that I want to scream, "But I didn't choose this!" I was the innocent victim. My depression is a result of what happened to me. So why do I have to pay for that the rest of my life?

I've asked a few people this week, with no shortage of tears, if I'm destined to suffer from this my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't my home. I know my future. I know I'll be spending eternity with God and that in eternity I will be completely restored, and my pain will be no more. That is the hope I cling to and will continue to cling to.

But what about right now?

What about my life here on earth?

Am I destined to suffer?

These have been the questions on my mind this week. This morning I was reading in Exodus, and this verse stood out to me:

Exodus 9:16 - But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.

The context of this verse is when Pharaoh wouldn't let the Israelites go, and God sent the plagues. The verse before it says, "For by now I could have stretched out my hand and struck you and your people with a plague that would have wiped you off the earth."

Here is where this verse hit me this morning. God could have prevented my abuse. He could have wiped my attacker off the face of the earth. He can, and maybe still will, completely remove the pain and traumatic memories from my life. I believe that.

Maybe there's a reason He hasn't. Maybe it's so people will see His power and that His name will be proclaimed.

Finding Purpose

Maybe this is the purpose of my life. Not to struggle, I don't believe God created me to suffer, but maybe my history and my life story are to bring glory to Him. The very first post I wrote when I felt God telling me to start this blog was entitled, "How Will I Measure My Life?" If I could sum up the answer in one sentence, it would be this, "I want to live a life that brings glory to God."

So I might still have a whole lot of tears ahead of me, but it is my prayer that I fight the good fight and do it with a heart willing to be used by the One who loves me and gave His life for me.
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